"The Many
Roles of a
Pastor" Humor
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Contents:
1) The Perfect Pastor (see below)
2) If Superman Pastored A Church? (please scroll down)
1) The
Perfect Pastor
....The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but
never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the
church janitor.
....The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys
good books, and donates $30 a week to the parish. He is 29 years old and has 40
years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.
....The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teen-agers, and he spends most
of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face
because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his parish. He makes
15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.
....The Perfect Pastor always has time for parish council and all of it's
committees. He never misses the meeting of any parish organization, and is always
busy evangelizing the un-churched.
....The Perfect Pastor is always in the next parish over!
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other parishes that
are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the parish
at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643
pastors. One of them should be perfect.
Have faith in this letter. One parish broke the chain and got its' old pastor
back in less than three months. |
If Superman Pastored A Church?
By Stephen Portner
If Superman was a pastor of a church, at least in the traditional
chaplaincy mode, he would not be able to do it. Here's why -
1) Superman never mastered being everywhere all the time. He could
not take "a day off" each week, because who would cover for him? He could
not
go on a vacation because, sure enough, that's when a parishioner would die,
and he would look like he doesn't care. Even if Superman never took a day
off and never went on vacation, he still could not take care of all the
people who would demand his attention. He could not even get any sleep and
expect to be there for everybody when they needed it.
2) Superman never mastered being all things to all people. Even if
Superman rounded up all the bad guys, who would then visit them all in prison?
Who gave Superman the right to be the judge and jury and make the
decisions about what is justice or injustice? And just where were Superman's mercy
gifts? Certainly he would be considered a "bad pastor" by quite a few of
his
parishioners, because he could not please everybody in the way they
wanted their needs met or their opinions stroked.
3) Superman was not spiritually gifted to do everything. Sure, he
had x-ray vision, which would save a number of his parishioners from going to
the hospital. Sure, he had super strength, which would help in moving
the band equipment around the stage. Sure, he could fly faster than a
speeding bullet, which would help him visit house to house faster than most
other pastors. But who was going to do all the administration, paperwork,
convene the meetings, make sure the church was unlocked, and do the
pre-marital counseling, just to name a few things? Even Superman would
"need
help" from others who had the spiritual gifts for those things.
4) Superman did not work well in teams. He was always trying to
one-up everybody else. Even Super-girl and Super-boy did not quite meet his
standards. Sure, he might "team up" with Batman every now and again,
but that was only to make himself look better. After all, Batman did not
have the power and control Superman had. Superman never gave the credit
to a Higher Power, Supreme Being, or Uncontrollable Holy, because from his
point of view, he was it. Superman was too engrossed in needing to needed
and loving to be loved to really care if anyone else got the glory,
honor, or praise. He was too addicted to co-dependency to work with teams.
So, since even Superman could not effectively pastor a church as a
chaplain, why are you trying to do it?
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