Self-Care Tips for the Clergy Family
by Rev.
Frank Schaefer
I recently ran across a prayer request by a clergy colleague which
went something like this:
For the past ten months I have been a full time
pastor and my ministry has been blessed and my congregation is
growing but the stress and strain on my wife and son and daughter
has led
to a recent "family feud" that has
left us all with feelings of resentment and estrangement. It
seems as though I am being asked to choose between my ministry and
my family and there are no easy answers. Please pray for us.
I think this will sound familiar to
most every clergy family. Indeed, it often feels as
though spiritual leaders have to choose between their spouse and the
bride of Christ, between their children and their "flock of sheep".
The demands of ministry are manifold, they vie for our commitment of
time, energy, mental pre-occupation, and even our devotion.
As a result spouses and children often feel
neglected, misunderstood, and treated unfairly. A joke comes to mind
that is funny only because it rings so true:
Pastor's spouse: "Honey, let's reverse
things on this Sunday morning. You'll be nice to us and grumpy to the
congregation."
****
According to a survey by
Leadership, the
following points were listed as causes for marriage problems in clergy
families:
-
81% insufficient time together
-
71% use of money
-
70% income level
-
64% communication difficulties
-
63% congregational differences
-
57% differences over leisure
activities
-
53% difficulties in raising children
-
46% sexual problems
-
41% Pastor's anger toward spouse
-
35% differences over ministry career
-
25% differences over spouse's career
It doesn't take much imagination to see that
these causes are intricately related to the realities of ministry: according
to another survey (by the Fuller Institute
of Church Growth), pastors are overworked, underpaid, often
working in a conflicted environment, and seem to be some of the loneliest
people:
-
90% work more than 46 hours a week
-
80% believed pastoral ministry affected
their families negatively
-
33% believed ministry was a hazard to their
family
-
75% reported a significant stress related
crisis at least once in their ministry
-
50% felt themselves unable to meet the
needs of the job
-
90% felt inadequately trained to cope with
ministry demands
-
70% say they have a lower self esteem now
compared to when they started in ministry
-
40% reported serious conflict with a
parishioner at least once a month
-
37% confessed to having been involved in
inappropriate sexual behavior with someone in the church
-
70% do not have someone they consider a
close friend
Of course, our Roman Catholic and Orthodox
friends would remind us that these problems are part of the reason for the
rule of celibacy which allows the priest to be "married to the church."
It may be a little too late for Protestantism to take another look at
celibacy, however. And besides, if a healthy clergy family
relationship is maintained it can become a source of strength and
inspiration for clergy, clergy families, and their congregations.
This article does not aspire to be a comprehensive treatment of the subject
matter. It rather seeks to offer a few helpful tips that clergy and
their families can put to use in order to avoid some tensions and strengthen
their network of love and support:
Tip #1: Reserving Family Times
Keeping up the boundaries between ministry and family life is a tall task
for clergy families, especially to those who live in church housing (and
even more so when they are connected to the place of ministry). One
boundary that needs to be emphatically established and protected by the
clergy person is that of quality family times.
We clergy folks must learn to regard family
times as more important than church appointments. This is challenging
because parishioners may not value the pastor's family time as a high
priority in comparison to parish commitments (at least that's how we clergy
people think parishioners are feeling).
We clergy people must plan for quality family times and mark
them red on our calendars. When scheduling conflicts arise (they are
inevitable), we should talk about the family time in terms of a commitment
we have. We must not feel obliged to specify what that commitment is.
Tip #2: Protecting Privacy
A second boundary issue is that of personal space or privacy for the clergy
family. Privacy issues span a variety of dimensions, from the clergy
family's home to the home telephone. Keep your home a private space,
avoid (if possible) to have a church office in your home--even if you live
in an attached manse/rectory/parsonage. Do not invite unannounced
visitors from church into your home during family times (movie/game night,
Saturday morning pajama party, birthday parties, etc.).
Also, do not expect your family members to
take on the role of phone receptionists. Ask church members to use
your home phone number for emergencies only. Another privacy issue
arises in the public arena. Firstly, do not overuse illustrations from
your family life; particularly avoid jokes that come at the expense of
family members. Secondly, when you meet
parishioners on family outings, do not feel obliged to strike up a long
conversation. This is not the time for parish updates. A short
greeting will do.
Tip #3:
Clarifying Expectations
Congregations have many overt and covert
expectations concerning clergy and their families.
They vary from denomination to denomination and from parish to parish.
Some of them are reasonable, others are not. For the sake of your
family, you must identify and clarify those expectations or else they
will be tremendous stress factors for you, your family and your
congregation. For instance, if there is an expectation by the
congregation that the clergy spouse will chair the worship committee
and your spouse is not willing or able to do so, then this needs to be
clarified from the start. After all, the clergy person is the
one who is employed, not the clergy spouse (nor the children).
A congregation should not expect any less of the clergy family, but
certainly not more, than of any other member of the congregation.
Tip #4: Building Friendships
We all need to be surrounded by the the warm and gleeful presence of
friends and loved ones. One of the problems clergy and their
families face is that of establishing and maintaining close
relationships with friends and family members. This is in part
due to the fact that clergy are often "on the move." Fostering
friendships and relationships require investments over long periods of
time--time we clergy folk often don't have. Add to that the fact
that building friendships among parishioners can be very tricky (and
painful) and you have an explanation for the above-mentioned survey
statement that "70% of all clergy do not have someone they consider a
close friend." Therefore, clergy and their family must
make a more deliberate effort than most other folks toward
building and fostering friendships, and it may involve the bridging of
time and space.
Tip #5: Seeking Help
Those in "helping
professions" are often the last to seek help. This is often true
for clergy and their families. The truth is that crises do not
stop at the clergy family's door. The clergy family, as
much as any other family, has the right to be human, to have human
problems. Clergy families have the right to seek the help of
counselors and psychologists. There are many helpful
resources and services available for clergy and their families; the
sad fact is that these resources are not often made use of--or not
nearly enough. Let me take this opportunity to
remind you that I am available to all DPS members for email counsel
and support.
Related Resource and Support Group Links (links open in a
new window):
The Parsonage
Pastor's Wives
Support
where clergy spouses (female and male?) can voice
their feelings
Under His Wings
Ministry
Pastor's Appreciation Day Information and more
Book
Recommendation:
BETWEEN TWO WORLDS: UNDERSTANDING AND MANAGING
CLERGY STRESS, Andrew R. Irvine, 1997. Mowbray
Press (PO Box 605, Herndon, VA 20172); ISBN 0-264-67423-5
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