What Jesus Taught
About Forgiveness--Part I
a sermon based on Matthew 18:15-20
by Rev. Thomas Hall
We should owe others nothing-except to love them.
That’s what Paul tells us in his letter to the Romans. Or as another translation puts
it, “Don’t run up debts-except for the huge debt of love that we owe to each
other.” That’s excellent advice. The only monthly payment that we’ll never
fully pay off is the love that we show to each other. [1]
But our first inclination maybe to challenge Paul’s spiritual advice. What if our
love is spurned? Sure, “owe nothing but to love people” might work for
Mother Teresa types, but for the rest of us, forget it. Many of us have experienced the
impracticality of indiscriminate love. Maybe we’ve offered to help someone entangled
in an addictive, destructive sin, only to have them hurt us. So first inclination maybe to
reach deep inside our own experiences and conclude that the debt of love is more difficult
to pay off than the house mortgage. Loving a brother or sister back into fellowship is a
very difficult thing to do.
I remember traveling with a minister and his wife through New Mexico, coming home from
a convention. “No vacancy,” the sign had said. Yet my friends assured me that
they personally knew the owner of the motel. “He’s a good friend,” they
said. He did give them a nice room, but I had to stay with the motel owner. As a sixteen
year old, I’ll never forget that feeling of being struck dumb by fear when this man
came over in the darkness to where I was lying. I could sense he lust, his warped desires.
I was to be his prey. And though I was finally able to break through my fear and resist
him, I had a very difficult time forgiving my friends who had put me in such a vulnerable
circumstance.
We’ve all had things happen to us that leaves us feeling betrayed, belittled, and
down right angry. Today’s gospel lesson gives us practical advice, a way to deal with
people who sin against us. Jesus says that if a brother or sister sins against you, deal
with it privately; confront them about their sin. If that doesn’t get them to mend
their ways, then the next step is to go to several individuals you trust in the
church-perhaps a parish relations team of some sort-and let them confront this sinning
member. That should take care of the problem. But say this person refuses their council
and advice to work the problem out, Jesus says then take this issue before the entire
congregation at the larger church body level. That should really resolve the issue. And if
that doesn’t work, well then, regrettably, it’s time to bid adieu to this
unrepenting person. They must leave the congregation.
That’s basically what Jesus said. Unfortunately, Jesus’ words have turned out
to be one of the most dangerous teachings in the Bible. In the hands of Christians who
read the Scriptures as they would follow directions for building homemade missiles, this
very lesson has hurt and wounded and divided people. The cure has been worse than the
bite. If you want to keep the church neat and tidy white, these rules for sinning members
is a feast-three strikes and yooouuu’rrrrrre out. Three clear rules to follow. No
variations, no ambiguity.
But perhaps we could enter this passage through the door of restorative justice. [2]
The idea behind restorative justice is simple: punishing an offender and removing him from
family and community may be emotionally satisfying, but never really solves anything.
Restorative justice places the emphasis the impact of sin, not the sinner.
Restorative justice offers equal compassion to the victim/s and to the offender. Such
justice becomes the window through which the community can view reconciliation.
Not all sin enjoys such status as being a deeply wounding sin that requires restorative
justice. So we must first identify the offense. Rule of thumb: if it’s serious enough
to brood over or serious enough that we find ourselves mentioning that person and their
actions against us to others; if we find ourselves avoiding that person or even avoiding
the church, then it’s serious enough seek to resolve it. But what to do next,
that’s the real question.
In this passage, let’s look at the three guidelines that Matthew gives his
community, but as a process healing and reconciling offenders with community.
Guideline #1: Take the initiative to resolve the problem.
William Blake has this powerful poem:
I was angry with my friend,
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe,
I told it not, my wrath did grow. [3]
Take the initiative to resolve the problem. Jesus says that we are called to take
action and to try to heal the rift that has opened between us and our neighbor. Go to that
person first. Confront them, face to face. “Well, as soon as she brings it up then
I’ll say, ‘Oh, sure I forgive you; it’s all right.” As soon as she brings
it up? Jesus reverses the way that most of us would like to do business. The first plan of
action begins with the victims-with those of us who have been wounded. Really doesn’t
seem fair at all. Why us? Why not instead the lady who was so insensitive, so rude, so
mean-spirited? After all she’s the one who messed up. Let her get a life and then we
might find it in ourselves to extend forgiveness.
No one is fond of confrontation. We like to let things slide, let them go, but still
brood over them-our preferred course of action. It’s 10:00 pm and you’re both in
bed trying to go to sleep, but no one is really sleeping, only pretending that nothing is
bothering us. On one side of the bed we have the “real men don’t admit
they’re wrong” way to deal with conflict, and on the other side of the bed we
have the sulking spouse who knows he’s wrong. And in between this couple is a
foot-wide demilitarized zone. And the temperature there is frigid. Neither one wants to
cross the demilitarized zone-even to touch the other’s toes, because it contradicts
the warm and cozy feelings that they should be enjoying but can’t because of this
rift. By 10:45 each is waiting for some sign of movement toward resolution. Isn’t it
a relief when that silence is broken? Sometimes all it takes is a “Honey, I’m
sorry that I . . .” and then the toes begin to touch again. And sleep
comes-eventually.
Take the initiative when you are wronged; don’t wait for the other person to see
the error of their ways. They may never see it! So help them out! In this passage, Jesus
gives us three guidelines for healing relationships.
Guideline #2: set the matter straight privately
You know what hurts us most of all? It’s usually not the actual act of being
hurt by another friend or church member. That’s bad enough, of course. But worse yet
is when that wounded person never lets us know that we’ve offended them. Months and
months go by and we eventually hear through a friend of a friend of a friend that
we’ve hurt that person. Why couldn’t that person just come to us instead of
expressing their anger and hurt to a friend of a friend of a friend? This kind of
situation leaves us embarrassed and now we’re peeved at them. Don’t complicate
relationships-just go to the other person and share your feelings with them. Maybe they
weren’t even aware that what they considered was a compliment to you was taken as a
slap in the face.
Guideline #3: seek the help of others to heal the relationship
Guideline #3 invites us to seek a group of caring and discerning fellow Christians
in an attempt to resolve differences. Either we win back our brother or sister, or they
level the community with the sad and knowing acknowledgement of the entire community of
faith. What’s really at issue I think, is not who’s right or wrong anymore, but
rather what can we do to restore the injured and injuring parties. What can be done to
restore this person/s to wholeness and restoration?
Why is this so important? Just let the person go. Probably trouble-makers anyway. Send
them to another church-good riddance. We are called to deal with these sinning brothers
and sisters-and we are called to deal with our own pain and hurt so that there may be
peace and joy and justice in the body of Christ. When we succeed in reconciling a person
to fellowship again, we experience the blessing and peace that God wants us to enjoy. So
we continue to work on the process. It’s a matter of salvation-restoration and
wholeness-for the sinner and the one who is sinned against.
Who do you know who has been offended? Somebody missing this morning because they feel
they’ve been wronged by the pastor or a member or the church? Who do we need to win
back to our fellowship? What can we do? Sometimes peeved folks can shut themselves off
from the very people that love them and can stop coming to church just to register their
anger against us. So we need to step in as reconcilers and extend forgiveness, confession,
and invitation to fellowship.
If we are in mission, we can’t help but offend someone in the church. Jesus said
offenses would come-ready or not. But as someone remarked, Never underestimate the
power of forgiveness to bring healing and reconciliation. Through your words. Your
initiative can bring healing and reconciliation. So become fence-menders. Reconcilers.
Peacemakers. When we take the initiative to resolve conflict to go to that person
privately, and if necessary, to seek the help of caring, discerning persons, then we will
go a long way towards healing and health in our congregations. Amen.
