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Christmas Humor
and funny stories, jokes                                                                                            

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Cryptic Christmas Card

A man sent his friend a cryptic Christmas card. It said: A B C D E F G H I J
K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. The recipient puzzled over it for weeks,
finally gave up and wrote asking for an explanation. In July he received the
explanation on a postcard: "No L."

True story

The nativity play was going as planned and Joseph and Mary were going from house to house knocking on the doors and asking it there was any room for them. As they continued to get "no room" answers a little voice called from the back "YOU SHOULD HAVE BOOKED!" bringing the house down.

Didn't You Get My E-Mail?
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"  

Who kissed Santa?
At my daughter's elementary school Christmas concert, a first-grade girl introduced their song, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" with clear, articulate, well-rehearsed speech, [and not in the least aware of the mix-up], saying:  "Oh, what Mommy would have thought if she saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus!"
from Sally in GA


The Real Santa?
The local newscaster was with the crowd of parade watchers, welcoming Santa as he arrived in town, and in a live interview asked a boucey 4 yr old girl if she had talked with this Santa yet to give him her Christmas list. "No" she replied infatically. "Are you going to talk with Santa?" the newscaster asked. "NO" once again was the most definite answer which was not the reaction that he was expecting at all!  "Why?" he curiously asked the little one. "Because the real Santa is at the Mall."

THE VIRGIN BIRTH
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Save God the trouble
There was a young boy who was saying a prayer out loud one night and his brother was listening to him.  This boy asked God for a fresh milkshake in the morning.  His brother said: "just shake a cow and milk it. It will save God the trouble."

A little help from Joseph
One day during our children's sermon, I was telling the kids about how the angel came to Mary to tell her about how she would help bring Jesus into the world.  One little girl seemed puzzled about this whole scene.  Then another child asked what I thought the first thing Mary would have asked for after the angel left her.  Instantly this little girl chimed in with "I'll bet she asked for a little help from Joseph!"

Who is the Real Virgin?
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.  Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus?  The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

What Are The Three Gifts?
While participating in a chruch Christmas pageant many years past, I had the good fortune to be chosen as the narrator. Each rehearsal went off well and then on the night of the show, I, in a loud and penetrating voice announced the gifts of the Magi as "gold, Frankenstein and myrrh."

No Room In The Inn?
A boy wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. He was cast as the landlord and objected loudly, but to no avail. When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked him if he had a room for them. The boy smiled and said, "Yes, sure. Lots of room. Come on in!"

Charge It
The store's Santa Claus gave Jeanie a candy cane.  Her mother says, "What do you say, Jeanie?"  Jeanie looks up at Santa and says, "Charge it!"  Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground CC, Stamping Ground, KY

Pontius Who?
At Sunday school, the younger children were drawing pictures illustrating Biblical stories. The teacher walked by and noticed one little boy was drawing an airplane! "Oh, what Bible story are you drawing?" she asked.  "This is the Flight into Egypt," the little boy answered.  "See, here is Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. And this," he said, pointing to the front of the plane, "is Pontius. He's the Pilot."

Same Name?
A little boy named Nicholas told the store's Santa Claus:
"You and I have the same name."  Santa says:  "Well, hello
Harold."  Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground CC, Stamping Ground, KY

Going the wrong way in the "Advent Rush"
While a man had gone out driving to do some Christmas shopping, his wife had been watching TV when she heard the announcer say, "be very careful and watch driving on I5 today, there is a motorist driving the wrong way"! His wife got hold of him on the cell phone to warn him, and his reply was: "You tell me, there are hundreds of them here".
 

The Wrong Gift
The parents began to assemble the special Christmas gift they had for their children.   They had ordered a kit for a tree house and received the plans for it.   However, the materials they received were for a sailboat.  They wrote the company to complain.  The company's reply:  "While we regret the inconvenience this mistake must have cause you, it is nothing compared to that of the man who is out on a lake somewhere trying to sail your tree house."  Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground, KY  

God's Not Deaf
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The younger one began praying at the top of his lungs:

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

His older brother leaned over, nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." to which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Actual children's versions of Christmas Carols:

"...sleep in heavenly peas";
"Joy to the world, the Savior rains";
"This is he whom Sears of old...";
"Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plane";
"While shepherds washed their socks by night

None of Them Are Toys!
When my daughters were little I would always tell them around Christmas that this is Jesus' birthday and he only received 3 things so do not be disappointed in what lies under the tree. When it came time for worship on Christmas morning, I asked the children what they thought Jesus would think of Santa and all the hype. Would he ask Santa a question? My youngest daughter replied, "I think Jesus would ask how come I only got three things and none of them were toys?" ... SAL Ridgeway Ontario

Viking Mary
When my son was 8 years of age, He was in a Christmas Pageant at our church. His line started "And the Virgin Mary was with Child." He did his line correctly at every rehearsal. On the night the of the presentation everything was going wonderful. All the children were relaxed and reciting their lines without flaw. It came time for my son to recite his line and this is exactly how it came out: "And the Viking Mary was with Child." It was quite a job for all the adults watching the presentation to restrain ourselves and not bellow out in laughter. ...Patty Louisiana

The Three Gifts
After the Christmas pageant, I asked my 6-year-old son if he remembered the gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus. He thought for a minute then said "gold, frankincense, and humor". We could all use that!


Jesus and the Elves

by John Leo, US News & World Report columnist & author of a new book,"Two Steps Ahead of the Thought Police."

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.

And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.

Rum pa pum pum. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."

Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.

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